I shall write this in pain. There are many things I will not understand about the world ever. Why the feelings of others never matter to us. Why we are always selfish and self-centred, why do we show our ugliness to others. Why we are so insensitive towards those who do not belong to us. What crime have powerless committed to bear the ugliness of corrupt for the rest of their lives. The feelings of others don’t they matter.

I am a weak and powerless pawn in the game of life. And monsters are big and ruthless as if I am fighting an unwinnable battle against my own belief. Belief that Father gave ability to His Sons to defeat the supreme evil. If that was the case why do I feel tired, why do I cry and why do I feel the pain. I think in game of life there are other variables that matter, the variables Father never told us about. I think Father created us prisoners of Mortal world to fail and fail again and to feel and feel again the pain of our own and other people’s ugliness.

I do not know why I keep falling in love with World again and yet again. I know the possessions of world are temporary and frail but I do not know I want them to stay forever with me. And my heart gives a piece of itself to them. It maybe because I wasn’t a rich guy to afford the onslaughts of wannabes on my possessions because that is all I could afford and that is all I had. It maybe because these are the only true friends I got in the dark world. World of failures, vicious humanity and self-centred bio carbon machines. Maybe my heart demands association and self of belonging of worth, but I think it is not that.

We are the dwellers of world of failing egos, who get louder as time passes to demand respect and do prove self-proclaimed greatness. And in a way all these battles are battles of ugliness due to ego. I think to us our names, our thoughts, our ideas, our possessions matter the most and seem to be centre of Universe, yet it may all be a delusion which never existed beyond ourselves only to lure us to even darker side of world where a success awaits us, the temporary success of greatness that grows into sad failure at the exit.

I do not know O possessions, O materials why I love you so much. I think I will never know ever in my life. I know, I know, I know I am not supposed to give my heart to soulless plastic, sadly I never knew life existed beyond it anyway. I am a small man driven by means and small goods of life as if these small happinesses defined my life and my successes and failures. I tell myself every day soulless plastic doesn’t love me it just has no choice but my heart is deluded to think these things mean the world. I tell myself every night my life was bigger than plastic toys but it seems I am a child who knows no better anyway.

Sad is the reality of Humanity, driven by means and appearances of things. Driven by needs, lust and soulless material. When I reach Heavens I will ask God why did He make the man so frail and why was Humanity chained to selfishness and ugliness. And I will ask Him why did he stood aside to watch it and let the beautiful suffer for the crimes of beauty and I will ask Him who wipes the tears of those who had their dreams shattered by their own simply for the greed. Are we meant to be plastic machines whose feelings never mattered and never really existed in grand scheme of things.

Will I become a man beyond means. Will I be above these plastic toys. Will I rise above appearances and means. Alas, I do not know. I think God gave me a heart and mind that seeks Heavens and raised me in world where I am chained to mediocrity of others to shed silent tears for the crimes of looking to the sky.

So Mom and Dad handed me the power and stepped aside. I think they made the right decision as their minds were know to enemy and they knew how to control them and could have defeated them as I heard. I shall have the crown for thirty or so years and then it is back to Mom and Dad. Because I think at times of peace my services are not needed and in this position there can be no mistakes. Talking about their decision it was good because I think the kind of training and impossibilities that are behind me I am sort of undefeatable and thanks God for that. Next war which occurs in four hundred years with similar problems but much more amplified I shall expect to be given power on first day of war.

If I go to heavens I think it will be boring. The place where you have beauty and delicious food and palaces but is this what life is all about, sex, stomach and comforts. I think I shall be bored from it soon. I think I need blood warming exercises and I always was and always am and always will be a warrior. Whose job is to get defeated and feel the pain and win wars and give it away to Father and His other men.

I sometimes ask myself why none of the wealth and fame and beauties mattered to me. I think deep down I want to believe I was bigger than any wealth, fame and honour and title. Because these are all illusions of mind and bribe for mundane minds. I think the wealth and beauty that doesn’t come to stay with you permanently is just here for party and to kill time. Sadly I believed in Eternity, eternal love, eternal sacrifice, infinite passion and unlimited perseverance and sky high grace and beauty. And even more sadly I never had any of that from any other as if I fell from sky to wrong planet or even worse a hell.

Love of world and it’s belongings is one sided love. You love it, you want it but it doesn’t. World is like a woman you passionately loved but sadly she never knew your passion and gave her love away to the medals that shined lots. I don’t know who is to blame the heart that falls in love with appearances and what it sees or the mind that demands things his own way even if they are damaging, even if it is deal of loss and even if it means stepping over others who we want to see failing.

I think I feel the pain and that is why I complain. I do not know with such claims of saving Heavens. I am still a failure. Failure of Grace, passion and humanity. Sometimes I think pain is fuel of passion. I mean let them continue how would I know otherwise I was a worthy Son. And how would God know that the mortal flesh that was weak and frail was worthy of affection God and was worth Heavens and love as Son. I shall feel the pain so people know it is not about comfort but the values you stood for and the grace you had of smiling in immense pain. I think if God didn’t want us to feel pain he could all together have never created such feelings in our mind and soul but it seems I fall and I fall and I rise and I rise and that is what defines my worthiness.

Did I do it for success. Are those who fail not worthy of love. Failure is only for enemies. Our glory is defined by successes we have. Will my mortal forgotten self be worthy of successes and am I a man defined by my success. Do those sho bitterly fail in world for their blazing passions were they not worthy.

Power, fame, glory, wealth and beauty are all words and mortal whispers that cease to exist after every storm that comes to wipe them. I think my actions, my passions and my life and aims got to above and beyond them, because deep down I believed there was something in me but couldn’t be merited with appearances and standards of world.

I believe all my successes were because I denied people the right to fulfill their illusions of minds through me and rub their body against mine. Let us face it, maybe there is nothing on my side that is special just that I don’t let people have access to me. And as Human psyche is to pay more attention to things it cannot have that is why I succeeded. Succeeded in winning battles and getting out of people what I want. Because they think I really am something special so it keeps their attention to me.

I was asked once whether I would let people talk to me. I said well you have a choice either people talk to me and eventually get bored and forget me and set me aside or I deny them the right of satisfying their illusions through me which means I keep their attention centred at me. And let us all know I am just an ordinary man who eats, breads, sweats, goes to toilet and desires sex. In a way there is nothing special about me other than the fact that people cannot enjoy my charms body bodily and socially.

I think this world is a strange place, we keep running after illusions, illusions of things beyond our reach. Why simply because they are beyond our reach. We spend our life chasing illusions to end till it is too late to turn back and do some other work and till we are just at the tip of grave. I don’t know I never came across real happiness in my life, all happiness, all virtues and all victories were temporary soon to be forgotten by my mundane self and pushed aside to bite dust. I guess we are in a way chasing our desire for greatness but as it is unconscious we tend to befall to other things, things like glittering items, shiny castles and glorious displays to people who soon after become the dust of time.

I have my illusions, my traps and my dreams. The illusions of saving the world and heavens. And serving people and seeking some happiness from Father. But really I think it is all just a drama I create for my talented self to prove my greatness. I mean is my greatness and my duty to really save the world and if world doesn’t get saved I won’t be so great and be a failure. And if people do not want to be served and waste my resources would that fail me and why do I need God’s happiness, the God who is Father of all and would I not do my duty of serving people and doing my best if Father didn’t love me or was happy with me. In reality none of what we think matters and none of what others think matter either. We are here to do our duty and then walk past as if it never happened and never mattered.

I see a world where the stage is set and we are only here to take our turn play mediocre part and then be forgotten. I do not know whether we are made from biocarbon material or a whispering Ghost. If it is meat then sadly it is later going to vanish and rot few feet under to never be seen or heard again. And if it Ghost I don’t think it’s existence or proof of it’s existence would matter. We are all the actors of game of life, destined to rise to glory and then soon to be forgotten like a nonexistent whisper. Proof is in itself in all those glorious men who came in past whom we don’t remember how they looked, sounded or acted, why because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to our own minds who cannot see anything else other than I and it doesn’t matter to world as they had their own myself to delude them. This is a sad reality of life we think we matter to others and our work matters but it never did and never mattered. We are all in a way dandelions of a vast and remote grassfield living in our own egotistical self.

In a way we cannot avoid the trap of illusions and mental fantasies ever. We think mostly about ourselves. And think we are great and our work is great. It is a sad reality created by God’s for us to be deluded forever from beginning to end. I don’t think anything I did mattered and it ever will because Gods have created us people who desire glory and are slave of perception thus seeing the things that never existed and never mattered. We are in a way all alone where every story, every relationship and every thought starts with mine.

I am going to conclude this writing now. I don’t think it matters, I think I am doing it to tell the world how beautiful I am unconsciously and I think it is another mantra of my oblivious deluded self. We are all worth just the meat that bears us and thus let us be humble and let us forget ourselves serving people, perhaps we break the gridlock and our nonexistent self does save the day and becomes ghostly whisper.

So it seems Father has given me a choice to have as many wives I like or restrain myself to three and really love them. Will I be a Fucker or Lover or more precisely my heart is into fucking meat or loving the soul and be a soul. Strange is the mantra of human society. The men who are righteous we lust for them and hope they befall to weaknesses that haunt us so no body can escape this prison of mediocrity and never ending ocean of failures and pain. Will I be a man who undoes hi own greed and walks past the expectations of public grievously and is madly in love with three women who are more lovable than my own soul or will I trade my meat with every passing by beauty.

Hastings of Human society have no one to blame but themselves for the failures of society because we never look beyond the limits of world mine. So these are all battles of mediocrity for mine and thine. A society driven by individuals who only care about self-interest, my money, my job, my children, my house, my family, my, my, my. Sadly we cheat and undertake anyone who stands in our way to achieve our malice dreams. And what is this all about if when the dust settles we are no more either. World gives us what’s hers on promise we will be delusional mundane till the end and then when we live our life of mediocrity, she kills us taking what was hers and slapping failure of average ugly and selfish life on our face.

Will you be happy if you had no from me and will you still love me. You know these people who annoy me remind me of the ugliness that awaits me at the other end, the selfish love, the mundane affairs and aging beauty. But I am still willing to take it because I want to fall in love with someone who can help me remain sane and frankly for a loser like myself no one ever returned love or gratitude in my life so no it shouldn’t be a problem. But even then let us assume I only get to have three wives will you be happy in my happiness and walk off grievously happy, knowing reality of life touches us all and sadly this is world where we can only get to see the stars sadly they live in other orbits something far beyond our reach but I ask God every night if we weren’t meant to touch stars why did he give us heart to fall in love with it and eyes to see it’s beauty.

There are many government organisations involved in this. And I anticipate lots of pain in my life if tomorrow they don’t get to have a slice of me of their own taste. I think it is a sad reality of life. Our governance, our work, our life, our sport, our education is nothing but a game of unconscious sexual desires to have something that proves we were worthy and mattered in life even if it involves dumbing down stars as soil of our foot. And if I were to become the dust of soil I don’t think the love would be there because then it would become a mundane affair of mediocres. And I think world and it’s people love my shine and not the spirit because material love can only demand material returns.

So the Apes say Humans can only think below their waist. I think it is true, my success was all because I did not let the vultures of world have their share of my meat. Thus extending my life till I get shared and thus giving me excuse to carry on drawing attention to me. I am nothing more than a failure who succeeded because of lust of lean meat by the world. And I think life is itself a failure as we love failed practices and failed values and this failure is so humongous that it itself turned into Universal success. The saga of meat eaters and a delusional failure.

So hundred wives plan is a lusty plan. I deny it and I think it is not sane. I feel sorry for women who trade their lives for such relationships where love doesn’t exist but you bought an elephant expensive to maintain so expensive that you have to starve to see it happy.

If I am a soul I would deny and defy all expectations of falling for lust of meat and if I am a meat eater monster I would call the feast on all those who fall prey to me. I think life was meant to be for other things, things we sadly never understood and never practised to the end. The end that takes all and makes us dust of Time so others can step over us and walk past as if it was just a show. I never was great it was the illusion that was great, deep down I only wanted to be an unconditional lover.

God you gave us minds that aspire to greatness, yet told us greatness only belongs to you and we are only meaningless existence of machines meant to fail, God it seems you taught us to reject ego yet couldn’t overcome your own. I understand you may have right too, but didn’t our existence matter to you, our feelings, our aspirations, our dreams, our efforts, our pains, our failures where they all ghostly whispers. God, did you create us and fail to be true God of Godlike.

No am not allowed to watch movies as my mind becomes very active and I start realising how I acted in them etc. They are little little projects other people can take, I have other duties, you know and my entertainment is the pain mediocres inflict in my life, as a reminder in the World of Machines obeying Father and standing up for Him is a crime and I rather pay the price so I know whether I was worthy of Father’s affection or not.

The Heavenly wishes, the immortal minds, the mediocre selves, the weak and fragile bodies, the tearful eyes and the agonised life, God are we just mortal whispers more like non-existent farfetched dreams meant to vanish in dust of Time or does our existence matter to you for each and everyone of us and God why did you give us weaknesses with aspiration for greatness, are these chains or are these our inner monsters meant to keep us down and mundane like, God were we born to suffer while you stood aside and watched us die everyday or was it a Holy Struggle to Justify that the frail selves of whispers can defeat supreme evil in their quest to serve Father, the Father who never was there for them, no one had ever seen and no one had ever had a proof of His existence, yet our soul told us love Him the unseen because He deserves to be loved, and Father will our love be true to You, are these just fainting cries of vanishing ghost of Time, alas I shall never have the answer.

A man’s life is more of what his imagination tells him than what reality ought to be.

I have concluded starting this moment I am not going to worry about who is my enemy and what he is conspiring. That is because, I don’t have time to worry about little little things of life and drag myself down to mediocrity. I rather concentrate on doing my job and hope my team is working on my defenses. And not only that it will make my life simpler and stress free. I want to be a bird free of chains of Humanity who flies sky high and never gets tired. Besides if I was to think of little things, I would belittle myself too and then who would be the Son, Humm.

I am starting to conclude all the nonsense that happens in my life. My friends have pretty good idea about it but they do not say it. I think it comes down to silence of lambs. So I must learn to be a gracious silent spaceman too.

I am a soulless hunter of meat, whose survival depends on preying and nibbling weak ones and their meat for virtual satisfaction, I guess I have forgotten far beyond horizon the destiny awaits me where my biocarbon meat must become prey too, to tiny soulless sacrifices, whether for God or for egotistical greatness remains a different question, alas I am a slave of invisible chains that I was tied to upon rising to World of Machines.

So I feel pain in rude part, in my left leg and my life is agonized. As if it is a destiny that awaited me for centuries and is not willing to let go. You know what Angels said, so eventually it will be impossible for him to pass summer, and if he perseveres and endures we shall know he was true to his convictions and real worthy Son and only then we will accept him. It seems my deeds were a failure, failure to ignite passion, failure to shine ways and failure to correct me from egotistical self. As if I never existed and never mattered and was never known because the proof that was supposed to be known shall be extracted through enormous never ending pain.

When I sleep and shocks don’t let me sleep. When I sleep monsters await me in dreamlands and when I am awake ugliness awaits me for the crime of being beautiful. Sadly it will be a very painful life. Life of pain like which I felt no other. When my cries were silent and yet they reached Heavens. God does the pain of those who give their life in your path matter to you. God are we your toys who love you but never get loved and those who protect you to death but never get protected and why have you sentenced us to mortality and pain, is this the only reality that suited our character.

Will I fail, will i succeed and will it matter. Alas I am traveler of oblivious destiny. I do not know why I am here and what crime I am paying for, I do not know where this journey ends and I do not know whether I am capable of bearing all this pain. And yes I know, God’s Universe is worth one good Son’s Life.

Will I cut off my leg on my own. Will I commit suicide. Will I cry and scream like an ungrateful mediocre. Will I fall prey to greed and ease. Will I fall prey to beauties of life. Will I become a seeker of comfort or will I rise to challenge and change the World into Heavens.

Strange is the essence of life, we fail to succeed and succeed to fail as if these pains and joys never mattered. Never mattered to any other as if they never existed and never mattered to God who didn’t use His powers to heal it. Will they matter to me, I do not really know. Will I be the dust of times, like those who obeyed their tummy or will I be the Son who raised the flag for Father in storm of mediocrity and selfishness. I know I am meant to be a failure, a failure who never existed in real life. I know I am meant to be success but the one no one knows. We are all slave of our thoughts. Thoughts of needs and wants, experiences and those imaginative animations that only existed in dreams.

Will I be a man who triumphs over the pain, agonising pain and smiles at pain to tell them you know the supreme Humanity was much bigger than the pains of life. Will I be the man who falls to deep holes giving up never to rise again and never to be heard of again. Will I defeat the monster that plays my host and the enemy upon whose survival depends my life. It is a tradeoff, tradeoff between needs and wants of life and chains of snakes destined to bite me every moment for the crime of standing up for Father in world where reasons define acts and my act of no worldly reason is a failure within its own or maybe a trail in which my body burns my fuel and my energy and I gain energy from the pain of heat.

My pains will never end, these are the pains of suffering of Humanity at the hand of mundane and mediocres and these are the pains of fall of Humanity from Grace and the pains of forgotten honour and forgotten paths that lead to Heaven. My body, my enemy, my host shall call me every night to fall and give up and I shall gather strength for just one more night one after another and crawl my way to the destiny that awaits me at the other end. My enemy, my body shall call on me to rejoice the pleasures of life and fall prey to lust yet my Spirit would demand beating impossible pain to serve the only Father without rewards, acknowledgments and any names. I do not really know wether it is a trail worth measuring but I do know, I once believe in Father whose one foot Son can defeat the entire army of Evil, so now it is time to prove it. And these are not the tears of pain these are the pleasures of pain and tears of joy.

Did you like my butt. Did you like my legs, do you lust for my biocarbon electromechanical meat. Is it all about appearances. Does love mean love of meat and something eye-catching. Do you listen to your dick. Are you the man of lusty eyes and hungry mind that sees everything as sex object. Do you think lust is God and see every conversation headed that way. Do you think about women as objects of sexual pleasure and lusty hints. Do your conversations make you think equally of lust and mundane life at the same time, and if so wouldn’t your mind be dirty.

So she said if others can take advantage of your meat why cannot I. I thought love was about unconditional sincerity towards another soul. I thought for true love lust meant nothing even if it involved Eternity long waiting. I thought love was maturity of mankind where problems and conditions and situations and results and appearances didn’t matter. They took advantage of me, and so can you but the meat that desires rubbing another meat is meant to fade away in time. I thought my love mattered to you and you knew I was in deep problems where vicious monsters ate me bit by bit but I was still yours in essence and never their in heart although they had my body.

And the meat they have is infectious and pron to disease and infections used by many. It is dirty. Sadly I have to live through this body it is strange Spirits tied to dirty meat and lusty animals. They can have my meat I have no choice over it, and that is all they shall have the used infectious meat.

You are either Lover of meat or lovers of soul, sadly one cannot have both, and what is the meaning of orgasm and lust as if our human meat is tied to conditions of mortality and mediocrity. Is butt and boobs all that mattered. Is this life only about the animal that lives inside us. I do not understand orgasm as if God conditioned us to other people and their meat, I thought we were supreme beings who could reach Heavens and think impossible. In a way we are greedy mundane trying for the things that shouldn’t have mattered in end and the act and pleasures no one dies without. In a way we are failures and it is impossible to break the chains of fate God bestowed on us.

Would you only love lean meat or would you love the person inside who at times can be weak and is breakable and is still loveable. How long and how far meat shall be lean, were you in for the party and best of times. Because if you were in for the person inside then the condition of that person and his appearance wouldn’t matter. Then distance wouldn’t matter, then charms wouldn’t matter you would just be happy in their happiness even if you were not part of that happiness. We have created a society where people are more into appearance of things how their thighs look, how their chest and butt appears than the things that make people that is what is inside. I mean for how long and how much the meat would stay attractive after all it is mortal it falls prey to diseases and age would you walk away then, were you only in for good times and people with fat butts and round bodies have no hearts and no feelings and lean meat makes us better human. We have created a society where it is all about how your meat looks, evidence the dress code of people in public, although I am not the judge but what have you saved for your soul mate which others haven’t seen or tasted.

You desire sex with me, you desire my body a worldly material that shall be one day meal of maggots. You are lust driven meat, whose desires are to rub and satisfy virtual illusions of mind. The true morality of life is we eat meat and then get eaten by meat eating insects when we can only scream which no one else hears and no one cares as our time to get used and best parts are over it is time for grave and it’s insects to have their share. That is the real end of life we start from nothing and end up as nothing. Then what is all this drama, what is all this lust, what is all this mundaneness and what is the meaning of this noise. We have no right to ego or pride because in distance of all this meat rubbing and meat tasting a bleak end awaits us, which we sadly don’t remember most of the time as if it wasn’t meant for us but sadly it is the only reality.

I guess it wasn’t about how tight my butt looked, how lean my meat was, whether I rubbed it against another or not. I think lust is undoing of humanity to chain us to mediocrity and make us slave of our reproductive organs. How much, how much is enough. Is it about the unseen me that the world never knew who kept dying day by day in flame of love or was it about the taste of meat because if it was only about taste of meat I have lost big time, if it was about ghostly ambitions and melting passions I have won. And would you be among winners of excellence or losers and slave of mediocrity. Who is the real failure me who denied lust or those who enjoyed lust and it’s tastes.

I guess life is a long struggle of self-realization by falling from one failure to another and another to yet another and so on, till the day we learn that it never is about successes or failures but our duty to do our best as Humans. And it never is about suffering as mortals are meant to mend and melt and reform and in process feel the agony of pain. I sometimes think that perhaps we fell from place high above because our minds reach high and our bodies don’t, chained to lust, greed, needs and conditions of weather and bodily needs as if we are chained slaves thrown from Heavens into a jungle of vicious monsters tied to tree of needs and mundane minds. Were we meant to be failures, were we meant to feel pain, were we meant to be slaves of needs and wants I not really know but what I do know is it is a destiny unavoidable, we are prisoner of this planet to prey and be preyed, veracious reality of life it is.

When I was young love meant talking to girls, being friendly and looking at them and playing with them. Turns out it wasn’t love it was lust of a childish fool who knew nothing else about life, the problems, the sociopolitical dynamics, the rules, the game and even my very inner self. Yes I did not know what I wanted, I just wanted someone to fill the gap in my life and it didn’t matter who it was and how she looked as long as she lusted for me and I for her.

Then came the years of isolation which taught me to fall in love with people you don’t need to talk to them. You just need to fill the greed of your eyes by seeing them smile and pass by. And who cares about sex as sex is the need of body and not the soul. I think I was crazy, imagining things that never happened, imagining relationship that even the other person didn’t know exist and loving someone who wanted some other and looked down on me.

I was wrong even then because it was not women I was looking for and I did overestimate their piety hidden beneath beautiful scarfs thinking world of appearances is fraction of what lies within but I was looking at reflection as I held more of myself to energize world and do the impossible but the world really wasn’t like that. They wanted fame, honour, comfort, easy life and things that run by their rules. So thus that was a failure too, a mega failure of an over imaginative wishful fool who knew nothing about life and saw his own reflection in people sadly the world is a very dark place where darker acts are committed just to save our ego.

Now that I have become an ornamental glory, and I have been through hell, seeing the true face of people and how they do vicious things only to bully their way to what they want and how beauty is a crime in a world where sex is God and money is goddess. I was a huge failure but perhaps my success was all these failures and falling from failure to failure all my life. And perhaps what I really needed wad the awakening to my real self-worth because the true life is the life lived for others and sacrificed in never ending trauma to pave way for future generations. I have another thirty-two odd or perhaps even years ahead of me and I know I must make it there for the world, for myself, for those who passionately loved me and for those who had faith in me.

I want to fall in love at the end of this with three who really would fill the gaps in my life, num my pain, help me grow and guide me and love me more than myself and I would love them more than they love themselves. So that I would love their weaknesses and understand them and flirt with them and play with them in starry nights and rainy days. So I would watch snowfalls in warm hut with wood fire furnace warming winter cold and touching them just like they would to me. So someone would wait for me when I am asleep to have breakfast and coffee and at dinner when I am away, so they help me realise myself and love life once again and that love completed us and is remedy for all. So I know someone so close that no other knew them and no other knew me and if I am gone on quest to save another day, they will wait for me even if night falls with food on table so we eat together or no one eats.

I perhaps can go on writing about it but it shall wait for my maturity and understanding. Will I make it to that dream ending I do not know but as I am a seeker of delusions who doesn’t know reality from dreams, I am ready to bet on this dream like all the others perhaps a heavenly ending awaits me at the end with warm nights.

I guess there is a beast inside best of us and there is a best man inside the beasts too. And yes I have a beast inside of me that comes out at night or perhaps darker moments. It may be I was a beast hidden behind norms and charms and it may be our society is society of beasts with masks and social titles and that is why perhaps we suffer from inner beasts. I think mortal perhaps means a beast that will fail in the end and after haunting many others will be haunted by insects of grave to vanish in dust of time as no one. Nevertheless, Happy Halloween <3

Will you cry the tears when I am no more, will you move on. Is your love selfish and self-centered, do you get jealous seeing me warming the days and nights of others O mediocre. If you weren’t allowed to touch me and burn with me, will you turn into my enemy and fall to shadows of beasts. Is your love for my brightness, love for glittering light, the titles or to satisfy your ego. Will you be happy in my happiness or will you try to darken me and bring me down to soil to have me. Have I come to a world where all relationships are ego-centric and mundane failure. You know I didn’t light your day so you praise me or reward me or love me but to do my duty of brightening your path at the cost of my burning soul, will you fail my hopes and the notion of humanity. Is your love, love of mortal meant to fail and fade away in undesired conditions. Alas, I lived in false hope.

I think the cockroach problem is problem of human society taking against each other more than insect management problem. The reason being when I moved in this apartment there were no insects to be seen. In few visits from the polite but envious enemies, now cockroaches are visible.

I am doing my perseverance training through my nephews. It is amazing when you have tender place in your heart for someone you tolerate all their mistakes and weaknesses. Like today one of the babies peed on me and I didn’t really mind. Likewise when they come to my room they touch a lot of stuff and create disarray basically in the next thirty minutes nothing is left in order but it is perseverance training and my training to not fall in love with materials of this world and my possessions which I loved dearly in past. I suppose loving a Human and respecting his dignity is more important than any worldly material or pride but as I said I am still learning so let us hope for the best.

I am not a man subdued by luck, I just do what I have to do rainy seasons or sunny days.

I am not a man subdued by luck, I just do what I have to do regardless of conditions and rewards.

God my broken soul took this path for you to help your people and to serve you and people of this world have broken me down and God I do not want rewards, I just want to ask you with tearful eyes will I recover, will I smile again, will I cherish the beauties of world and will I be complete again or have your people sentenced me to living death for crime of being true to you and God to be honest with you, I don’t think I am fit enough to lead without recovering my broken self. God please … or am I meant to die a broken death.

Other people’s opinion of you doesn’t have to become true.

Remember, to survive in this world you need patience, perseverance and an ego free mind and soul.

Learn to love people for who they are and accept they are imperfect and forgive their shortcomings.

People mostly pay the price for their stupidity and bad mouth rather than bad intent.

And finally don’t let family politics become your destiny, you are much bigger than that.

The people who die over little things and remember little little problems and unhappiness are mostly depressed and failures.

You all better not worry, I have aced last thirty-five years I shall do the next thirty-five too somehow. Just that irony of fate is people I live with usually turn against me and food keeps making me psychotic, although I am not but I have no solutions to this. So you don’t worry God will watch over me. I took this path for God and I need to believe one foot soldier of God is good enough to undo darkness of universe. You may look at me and laugh but I know the broken and fragile and psychotic self of mine can do this, I know I can, I know, and even if I fail at least it would be on path to serve Father and what is my life if I cannot sacrifice my tiny nonexistence for Father. I know I appear to be failure but I am just hoping God would let me shine the way for all the people and that is why I must endure the heat of burning.

God I know I am broken pychotic man, but I was just hoping you could show the world a true miracle and let your broken and psychotic and crazy Son save the day, Father am I day dreaming of God whose broken Sons are mightier than collective powers of Universe or Are you a God who never cared of tiny soulless sacrifices.

Fathet are you a soulless God who looked beyond the sacrifices of psychotic lovers or am I just deluded psychopath expecting a miracle in World where everyone is a hunter and prey.

God I need to believe my sacrifice meant to you, or was I always a prey of my over imaginative soulless existence.

I am a machine who thinks he is Son, probably imaging Gods who loved his bio mechanical sacrifices and deeply cared, yet it was a dream of a wishful fool to justify the ego of his soulless nonexistence.

Initially when it started it was just Azeem Haqqani, Majeed and Najeeb taking on against me. I was living with Burmese guy and Alawi a Sri Lankan activated by Irfan used to call me and wake me up for fujur and create similar sorts of things. The idea of Azeem Haqqani was I was to be made enemy with people from Pakistan somehow and someone here who would then forever take on against me. I visited Pakistan in 2007 and Shahid Azad calling me for a tea to his house he made some case there and kept taking on against me since then as laters I ended up in garage upon return and he also hit me with ball really hard the day I was visiting my college in home city.

Sam Mancarella used to call me to his house he later was conspired to be against me by Azeem Haqqani and Najeeb, I asked him did your dad work at the factory and he took it as insult but for me it was a link as I worked at that factory myself.

So Najeeb gave me his Coca cola laptop to use and my school assistants had told to install certain software to connect to university. Najeeb took my password and removed the uninstall file and I asked Sam for help it didn’t connect so I tried removing it as per instructions of Sam an it corrupted the computer. Najeeb was then instructing Sam and Sam happily put me in disaster and himself as per instruction from Najeeb and his Jealousy.

Amjad Jamati Islami guy invited me to his unit for dinner and a drunk women was outside who kept hitting his door which she called bitch and put the blame on me. Amjad inviting me to house next to Sam and said a few things in backyard and I heard Sam talk who was talking to his dog to go inside.

As I was attending uni is sleep as at day due to living in garage and not taking shower and brushing teeth and wanking smell people couldn’t stand me for one C assignment I got assignment from Sam and Submitted it Selgin who was preparing took me to head teacher and showed him what he practised and that he wrote the assignment who failed me. The Paki students in Masters computer science gave me their photocopy card and I went to get the book copied cheap another Indian complained it was a conspiracy to make me get kicked out of university and head teacher of computer science came took card from me and almost ejected me from university.

Abdul Rehman and his brother as per the instruction of Azeem Haqqani were coming to my flat and their friend Anas tried to sell me stolen analog phone which I didn’t buy then he tried hitting me. Months later the sold me PDA for $100.00 it was stolen I never used it. The guys who actually took on against me were Shahid Azad and Sam Mancarella as per the activation from Azeem Haqqani, Najeeb, Majeed and Irfan and Alawi. Alwai conspired something against me and made me move from the Burmese guy as per the instruction from Irfan and it was tough since then.

My conclusion is first causality of war is innocence and these people took on against me I wonder did they ever think I was a human or was it was all about who was stronger than other at the expense of children.