I shall write this in pain. There are many things I will not understand about the world ever. Why the feelings of others never matter to us. Why we are always selfish and self-centred, why do we show our ugliness to others. Why we are so insensitive towards those who do not belong to us. What crime have powerless committed to bear the ugliness of corrupt for the rest of their lives. The feelings of others don’t they matter.
I am a weak and powerless pawn in the game of life. And monsters are big and ruthless as if I am fighting an unwinnable battle against my own belief. Belief that Father gave ability to His Sons to defeat the supreme evil. If that was the case why do I feel tired, why do I cry and why do I feel the pain. I think in game of life there are other variables that matter, the variables Father never told us about. I think Father created us prisoners of Mortal world to fail and fail again and to feel and feel again the pain of our own and other people’s ugliness.
I do not know why I keep falling in love with World again and yet again. I know the possessions of world are temporary and frail but I do not know I want them to stay forever with me. And my heart gives a piece of itself to them. It maybe because I wasn’t a rich guy to afford the onslaughts of wannabes on my possessions because that is all I could afford and that is all I had. It maybe because these are the only true friends I got in the dark world. World of failures, vicious humanity and self-centred bio carbon machines. Maybe my heart demands association and self of belonging of worth, but I think it is not that.
We are the dwellers of world of failing egos, who get louder as time passes to demand respect and do prove self-proclaimed greatness. And in a way all these battles are battles of ugliness due to ego. I think to us our names, our thoughts, our ideas, our possessions matter the most and seem to be centre of Universe, yet it may all be a delusion which never existed beyond ourselves only to lure us to even darker side of world where a success awaits us, the temporary success of greatness that grows into sad failure at the exit.
I do not know O possessions, O materials why I love you so much. I think I will never know ever in my life. I know, I know, I know I am not supposed to give my heart to soulless plastic, sadly I never knew life existed beyond it anyway. I am a small man driven by means and small goods of life as if these small happinesses defined my life and my successes and failures. I tell myself every day soulless plastic doesn’t love me it just has no choice but my heart is deluded to think these things mean the world. I tell myself every night my life was bigger than plastic toys but it seems I am a child who knows no better anyway.
Sad is the reality of Humanity, driven by means and appearances of things. Driven by needs, lust and soulless material. When I reach Heavens I will ask God why did He make the man so frail and why was Humanity chained to selfishness and ugliness. And I will ask Him why did he stood aside to watch it and let the beautiful suffer for the crimes of beauty and I will ask Him who wipes the tears of those who had their dreams shattered by their own simply for the greed. Are we meant to be plastic machines whose feelings never mattered and never really existed in grand scheme of things.
Will I become a man beyond means. Will I be above these plastic toys. Will I rise above appearances and means. Alas, I do not know. I think God gave me a heart and mind that seeks Heavens and raised me in world where I am chained to mediocrity of others to shed silent tears for the crimes of looking to the sky.